The power of co-regulation: Building connections for emotional growth

By Daphne Boucher, MScOT, OT Reg. (AB), Doctoral student NYU OT Reviewed by Unyte Clinical Team

In my previous blogs, we explored the concept of complex trauma, how it shapes children’s experiences, and practical strategies to support them during critical transitions — whether navigating summer break or overcoming school challenges. A common thread throughout these discussions has been the importance of creating safe, supportive environments where children can feel understood and connected. At the heart of this work lies a foundational skill: co-regulation.

Co-regulation is the bedrock upon which relationships are built, making it an essential element in addressing the needs of children with complex trauma histories. In this blog, we’ll dive deeper into what co-regulation is, why it’s vital, and how to integrate it into our daily interactions to support all children in finding balance and resilience.

What is Co-regulation?

Co-regulation is the process where one person helps another regulate their emotions and behavior. This process is especially significant for children, as their brains are still developing and learning to manage strong emotions like anger, sadness, or excitement. By engaging with a calm and empathetic adult, children can begin to understand and modulate their own emotions (Perry & Szalavitz, 2017).

Imagine co-regulation as the supportive scaffolding around a growing building. Just as scaffolding provides structure and support until the building can stand on its own, co-regulation helps children develop internal tools for self-regulation. When children experience consistent and calm responses from adults, they internalize these responses, which gradually supports their independent regulation skills (Siegel & Bryson, 2012).

The Science Behind Co-regulation: How It Works

Co-regulation is grounded in our neurobiology. At the heart of this concept is the autonomic nervous system, responsible for our “fight, flight, or freeze” responses, as well as our relaxation responses (Porges, 2011).

When a child feels overwhelmed, their sympathetic nervous system (the part that activates stress) takes over, making it difficult for them to think clearly. Here’s where co-regulation comes in. When a caregiver provides a calm presence, their own parasympathetic nervous system (which promotes relaxation) can “speak” to the child’s system, helping it to settle. This is often called “neuroception,” or the body’s ability to detect safety or threat through signals from others (Porges, 2011). In plain language, a calm caregiver can “lend” their calm to a child in distress, guiding them back to a place of calm and control.

Why is Co-regulation So Important?

Building Emotional Resilience: Co-regulation teaches children how to handle stress and regulate their emotions by experiencing it with another person. Over time, they learn to manage similar situations independently.

Enhancing Social Skills: When children receive consistent, supportive responses, they learn to respond to others in kind. This helps them develop healthy relationships with peers and caregivers (Shanker, 2016).

Creating a Safe Space: A key part of co-regulation is creating a feeling of safety. When children feel safe, they are better able to engage in learning and exploration, which is crucial for development (Siegel & Bryson, 2012).

Co-regulation in Practice

Co-regulation often happens through everyday activities and interactions. Here are a few strategies:

Mindful Presence: Be present and non-reactive. A child is more likely to regulate when they see that we are calm and focused on them. Simple things, like matching their breathing or speaking in a soft, steady tone, can signal safety and calm (Perry & Szalavitz, 2017).

Offer Predictable Routines: Consistency is reassuring. When a child knows what to expect, they feel safer and more in control, making it easier to regulate emotions.

Provide Physical Support: Gentle, rhythmic movements — like rocking or swinging — can help regulate a child’s nervous system. This rhythm provides a form of sensory input that is calming and grounding.

Model Emotional Language: Naming emotions out loud, like, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated,” helps a child understand and process their emotions, which is an essential part of self-regulation (Siegel & Bryson, 2012).

Bringing It All Together

Co-regulation isn’t just a tool; it’s a relationship. Through our mindful presence, we can guide children toward emotional growth, setting the stage for a lifetime of resilience and connection.

References

Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The boy who was raised as a dog: And other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook—What traumatized children can teach us about loss, love, and healing. Basic Books.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Shanker, S. (2016). Self-reg: How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life. Penguin.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.